THE SELFIE

All though this may lead to my impending divorce, I had to post this picture that I found saved in my old email of Spencer back when he was 19. It was the first "selfie" that he ever sent me and in his defence, I asked him to send it because I had a few friends who wanted to know what he looked like. And on top of that I made him wear his glasses because he was about to get Lasik and I'm a sucker for a guy who looks good in glasses. But seriously is little Spencer not the cutest!?

Now I'm not a lover or a hater of selfies. I think they have a special time and place, like sweat pants, for which they are acceptable. When I see extremely self-absorbed selfies or any selfie in which you are making a duck/kissy face... you can go ahead and count on me giving you the worlds biggest eye roll. BUT sometimes you look freaking hot and you are proud of it and you need the world to know. This is why I have made a list of the 5 types of selfies that are acceptable to a regular levelheaded human being, and spent 45 minutes trying to make something that looked Pinterest worthy:

The other day I saw a selfie (sorry if this is someone you know) with the caption "So giddy after hearing baby boys heartbeat" followed by a gorgeous close up picture of her with a slight closed mouth smile. Now I'll be the first to admit, she is stunning, but the caption felt a little "hey I don't want people to think I'm self obsessed so I'm going to act like I'm smiling about the heartbeat and that's the only reason why I'm taking this picture." I'd actually rather you just not put a caption at all because at least I don't get the impression you are cloaking yourself in humility and instead saying "damn right I look good and I want to show it off and I don't care who know's it. Nuff said." If you going to do a full on "I'm looking hot so I'm going to take a picture" selfie, then just commit to it! Don't beat around the bush or add some stupid quote about inner beauty by Eleanor Roosevelt! Post a picture of your colonoscopy or you doing charity work, and then we'll talk about "inner" beauty.
I've only posted 3 selfies in the past 4 months, which seems like a nice pace:

^To show you all how youtube can help you learn how to (kind of) do your makeup

^Reveal my new Brazilian blow out

^The aftermath of 7 hours of DIYing. 

And as a bonus picture, here is what the first selfie might have looked like: 

Keep following those selfie rules my friends and stay golden. 

BREAKDOWN

A couple weekends ago, when I was feeling emotionally distraught, I had some thoughts. Pardon my French, but do you ever secretly hope other people have truly shitty lives? Not in a mean way, but to know that they too are feeling and experience those sucky moments in life like you are. That they are having as hard a time figuring out life as you are. That they have struggles and challenges and aren't part of some alien robot race sent to study our ways!

I'm not saying that I have a horrible life, but doesn't everyone have the right of passage to cry on their bathroom floor and say "Why me god?" and think no one could possibly feel as bad as I do in this moment at this time! Sometimes you just have to crawl into that dark hole for a little while and throw yourself the world's most extravagant and exclusive (party of one) pity party that the world has ever seen. And then you come out when the coast is clear and you hold your chin up high and you go on pretending, wanting, or maybe even actually having everything be alright, until that day comes again (tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now) and you find yourself on that chevron striped bath mat again in those old familiar positions. But that's ok. That's life. Grab yourself a Dr. Pepper and some sour patch kids and sit on that floor girlfriend until your mascara covers most of your lower face and you let yourself have a moment to just be and feel and breath and release. 

Some people say that being happy is a choice. I don't know if I fully believe that. The majority of the time it's probably true, but I honestly believe that their are some moments in life that are truly so awful, that our body, our mind, and our soul won't let us be happy even if we begged it. There are some moment in life that I believe are meant to be experienced sad and that when we look back, we will think of them with a kind of solemn reverence and say, "I grew from that moment; it was painful and disheartening and dark, but I grew and learned thing from that moment." I refuse to look back at those moments and think why didn't I chose to put a smile on my face. It's because those sacred moments deserves more. They deserves a physical transformation. 

ALL OF GODS CREATURES CAN BE FOUND AT THE COMMUNITY REC CENTER GYM

Yesterday I went to my beloved Insanity class. I have this theory that if I only have about 3 hours a week to work out, then I have to make it worth it and it has to kick my butt. This is why I don't waste my time with Zumba (sorry Lauren). This month, I've been really on par with my goals and I've gone to Insanity at least twice a week. If you read my Facebook status, you know that on Tuesday I mentioned that large chested women need to find the right support before heading in to cardio classes. Once again, Big Boobs Mcgee was front and center at class last night and I'm surprised she didn't leave with a black eye the way those things were practically hitting her in the face with every burpee. Also in front of me was uncoordinated Eunice, who some how (even though cardio classes are just a big game of Simon Says with the instructor) she managed to be doing a completely different workout than the rest of us.

As I told you all the other day, I've been having an American Horror Story marathon this week and just finished the 2nd (and very messed up) season. I have been surprised that all this week I haven't had any nightmares... until last night. No it wasn't about Bloody Face... There was a shortage of Dr. Pepper in my dream world, and all that was left was a half can of week-old, flat, warm soda left. As I was about to drink it, a lady came up to me and said that she needed it because she was in a fight with her husband and needed something to get her through the rest of the day. Of course I didn't want to give it up but some how I didn't have a choice. It was terrifying! I guess this is all a good time to tell you guys that I decided to go soda-less for a month. I haven't said anything because I've never been one for sticking to strict regimens, or restricting myself from the pleasures of life, and I knew that I may fall off the bandwagon (as I have with my many cleanses). BUT I'm already more than half way there and only have a week and a half left. My next Dr. Pepper will be Feb 5th (aka my birthday hint hint), and what a glorious birthday it will be! I may need to start making a paper chain. 

And since last Friday was "Funny Friday," this week is going to be "Feel Good Friday." If this commercial doesn't get your eyes wet, then go check your pulse! 

THE ONE WHERE WE GO TO THE ICE CASTLE

Hopefully a few of you enjoyed the "Friends" reference in my title. So if you live in Utah, you have probably been bombarded with pictures of the Midway Ice Castle. Well I'm here to tell you that it is just as awesome in real life. And for those of us living in real life... you would bring a coat... because you would assume that it's freezing in winter + you're up a canyon + you are inside an ice box. Spencer does not live in the real world. But luckily while I waited in the 35 minutes line, he went to a nearby friend's house to borrow a coat (and some hot chocolate). Also, bring boots... or have freezing wet feet like Spencer. I finally had a reason to bust out the new camera again. For Christmas I got a Canon Rebel T3i and I love it. Unfortunately when you ask people to take a picture, they don't know how to use it and end up not even taking a picture because they don't hold down he button long enough. Now I know to tell people to wait at least 3 seconds! Spencer and I went on Monday which was probably the wrong move because it was a holiday, AND Mondays are cheaper. Luckily I also had my trusty military ID card for an extra $2 off (which may have expired about 3 years ago but I still keep it around for a 10% discount at Home Depot and cheap movie tickets. Yes I'm going to hell.) 
Also, speaking of being cold, why are their people jogging outside? I don't even want to walk to my car, let alone let my lungs endure some arctic physical activity. This is why God invented the treadmill. 

Lastly, pray for Justin Bieber. Although have you ever seen a prettier mugshot? I don't think so. 

#GIRLCRUSH

If I can count on anyone reminiscing with me about old sitcoms, its my BFF Alisha. We were both raised without cable and therefore had pretty much watched every family friendly sitcom on network television growing up. So naturally I'm obsessed with the Olsen twins, aka Michelle Tanner (holler). I mean it's not every day that you have a fashion and beauty icon that's the same height as you! And although I don't condone smoking... why does it look so cool when one of these two does it? I'm convinced by the photos I've seen of them that they only consume coffee, cigarettes, and diet coke. I feel a new fad diet coming on! These girls can truly do no wrong, except for Mary-Kate's choice of boyfriend. Google him. You will be truly horrified (can we say daddy issues). Tomorrow I'll be posted some gorgeous pictures from the Midway Ice Castle, and soon after I should start again with some DIY projects (the winter season always has an anit-crafting and anti-everything kind of hold on me). Currently I've been on the couch for 3 days watching season 1 & 2 of American Horror Story. It's truly eff'd up but I'm too far in to quit now! Happy Hump Day!  

FUNNY FRIDAYS

Just stopped by to give everyone a laugh with some funny internet finds. Just a reminder for those of you who don't follow my every move and thought, the TV show "Rich Kids of Beverly Hills" premiers this Sunday and I've never been so excited about something since I discovered Dr. Pepper tallboys (a 16 oz can) on a Vegas trip. Not to mention the new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashian's is starting on Sunday as well. Man oh man, I have a whole 4 day weekend of trashy TV ahead of me and I can't even contain my excitement. If you need me, I'l be in my sweats making an "Ashley" sized indent in the couch.  

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MAKEUP SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MAKEUP

Remember when I said I didn't know anything about makeup? Well guys, can I just say what a difference it makes when you're wearing the right foundation for your face AND you buy high quality makeup. Who knew that drug store makeup was sometimes sub-par? Everyone? Oh, Ok. Well yesterday I made a trip to Sephora and Victoria's secret to buy some new makeup. As I walked into Sephora, I immediately became overwhelmed, and then even more overwhelmed when I looked at the prices. Ok $40 for a makeup brush... that seems fair. So obviously I immediately walked out and headed straight to Vicki's. For a while now I've used Victoria's Secert bronzer and I've loved it (3. Victoria's Secret Baked Mineral Bronzing Powder). My drugstore bronzers just weren't stacking up. While I was there sampling and applying everything under the sun, I discovered a hidden gem: (4) Victoria's Secret VS PRO Airbrush FX Perfecting Primer. It was like rubbing a cloud wrapped in a marshmallow that was covered in baby bottoms, all over my face. Just go ahead and visualize that for a minute. I've never been a primer user, but lately I have found that my face gets pretty shiny half way through the day, which I've been attributing to the outrageously thick lotion I slather onto my face every morning, which probably doesn't give my makeup a good foundation to stick to. But being that my skin is ridiculous dry (yet also greasy? WTF?), I have to have something on it after washing my face, and this primer is the missing link! Baby butt marshmallow clouds people! 

Next, I went back to Sephora and walked around for what felt like 7 hours, wishing I had Lauren Curtis (my favorite make-up Youtuber) with me to guide me on my make-up journey/nightmare. I believe for the most part that mascara and eyeliner are he same everywhere so I decided to save that for my grocery store run and find a nice powder. Once again this made me realize that quality makeup is sometimes worth the splurge, because when I touched that Sephora face powder (1 Sephora Collection 8 HR Mattifying Compact Foundation), it felt like pure silk! When I brought it up to the counter I remembered that I had 3 different shades of bronzers, 2 different eye shadows, and a handful of illuminaters and primers on my face (thanks, sample products) and I'm sure the lady who rung me up was thinking I needed a lot more help with makeup then I led on. 

15 minutes later I'm at Smith's looking for foundation and Googling how to fugure out if my skin is a warm, neutral, or cool tone(?). Surprise! I'm a warm, and therefore have been wearing the wrong color this whole time. Which makes sense because my face is extremely red/pink and I was wondering why my foundation wasn't surpressing that. Oh no worries, it was just highlighting that. Things I also Googled while there (I was there for a while): "top 10 drugstore foundations," "top drugsore lip sticks," "how to match skin tone to makeup," and "Did Brandi Glanville ever find her dog on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?" Also, most of the lists I found of top drugstore foundations used by the pros has (2) L'Oreal True Match Foundation on it, which I highly recommend and they have a billion different shades and undertones! 

I'm so pumped to start using my new makeup but the real treat I got was from the other people on the cosmetics isle. First up was an annoying Provo couple who were wrapped in each others arms and the girl kept saying things in this awful baby voice like "You just have the cutest little face I've ever seen," (to her man of course, not me). This was followed up by a girl on the phone next to me whose one-sided conversation went as followed: 

"I got the paternity test back and he's Parker's father."
(pause for response)
"No I'm not going to tell him" 
(pause for response)
"No he's white"
(pause for response)
"Well he's in jail for his own stupid mistakes"

Let's all say a prayer tonight that Parker grows up to be a well adjusted adult.   

And as a bonus... as I get in my car to go home, I see the overly-affectionate couple leaving Smith's in a lip lock. Literally I think they were super glued together because they didn't break and I'm not sure how they could even tell where they were going. By the time I got in the car and had made it to the exit, I looked back and they were still walking and kissing... thus winning them my "eye roll of the week" award. 

Well the letter T on my work computer broke, so I had to go back and put missing T's through out this whole post, so I hope your "hursday" is going better than mine. Ciao! 

PROSCIUTTO, FONTINA & CARAMELIZED ONION PIZZA

I made this meal the other week and guys let me tell you I was very impressed with myself. This was gourmet cooking made easy. As many of you know I have made it my personal quest to not just be a Pinterest stalker; meaning you creep and lurk, but you never go full on serial-killer and "execute" the ideas. And yes I have close to 3,000 pins but I really do make an effort to use them including making at least 2 meals a week. Today I am sharing a mouth watering dish that even the pickiest of eaters {two thumbs pointing at this girl} can get down with... and I don't even normally like onions! For the pizza crust, I happened to have some Rhodes Rolls in the freezer. I defrosted them and I believe I flattened out two rolls to make one mini pizza crust. The rest of the recipe I followed from Jaclyn on her blog Food + Words. For those who are computer illiterate {mom}, just click on her blog name and it will take you right to the recipe. Don't let the length of the recipe scare you, because if you're like me and you don't make the crust from scratch, it cuts the recipe in half. This would make a perfect Valentine's dinner for any of you who want to release their inner Gordon Ramsay {minus some of the cussing}. Enjoy! 

* Some of you may be aware that I got a fancy-pants camera for Christmas. These photos and some of the others I'll be posting are pre-Canon pics that have been sitting on my iPhone, so have no fear if you are interested in getting a Canon, the pictures will look better than this! 

PARTY LIKE NO ONES WATCHING

If your Friday doesn't look like this, you're doing it wrong. Have a good weekend! 

HEY GIRL...

A couple things to note with the new blog. First, I hate when people have their wedding pictures up as their blog picture but low and behold I don't have any high quality photos of just me besides from that day but I'm working on that. Second, My goal is to post at least 3 times a week but I'm not going to post on Instagram everytime I post because that would just ruin Instagram for me. I'll put a notification on Facebook and Twitter though, but you are also welcome to follow me on the blog by clicking on that lovely little button that says "join this site," or you can also follow on bloglovin' to know when I post. Third, as of right now if you don't type in "www" before my URL, it won't work but I'm working with GoDaddy to get that fixed.

On another note, I thought since everyone was "going to the gym" this month, I'd post some of my favorite gym shirts that I'm debating between. They all share a common theme if you didn't pick that up:

*All T-shirts from skreened.com

Yes Ryan, yes it is. 

NEW YEAR; NEW BLOG

Oh hello world? Miss me? Can "get your blog done" count as one of my new years resolutions? Cause if so, check that the freak off my list! I still need to update some of the info in the tabs, but for the most part I'm finished and it feels so good! 
On another note, It's that time of the year for people to tell you how great this last year has been and they can't wait for what the next year will bring; they post pictures of their 2013 highlights and make little slide shows on some newfangled app called "Flipgram." 2013 for me was not bad, but not all that hot... But all I can say is at least it wasn't 2009! You couldn't pay me enough to re-live 2009! Spencer and I also only achieved a measly one out of our New Years resolutions. But hey, one is better than nothing! And one is definitely better than 2009. Anything is really. Can you tell I didn't really like 2009? 

I'm doing something different with my resolutions this year; I'm making them negative. Like not negative as in pessimistic, but using negative contractions. This way, I can more easily achieve the things I need to STOP doing, and hopefully in turn, achieve the things I need to start doing. 

1. Stop idealizing other women's bodies... and start going to the gym! 

2. Stop constantly scrutinizing what I put in your mouth... and start actually being proactive about what I eat.

3. Don't be lazy... and keep a list handy of small tasks I've been meaning to get around to.

4. Stop picking at everything in life that's not living up to my expectations... and start choosing to be happy no matter what the situation. 

5. Stop texting... and start talking. 

6. Stop holding in my emotions... and start communicating.

7. Stop doing the same old things... and have an adventure.

8. Stop making excuses... and starting acting on things. 

9. Stop throwing things on the floor... and start putting everything in its place. 

10. Stop holding on to the little things... and just let it go.

11. Cut back on consumption of Dr. Pepper.

Well it feels good to be back in a world where I can vent, judge, and jabber while being meticulously scrutinized by the world! I can't wait for 2014... the year Ashley actually blogs for reals! (Because it was just fake before right?)