Monday, January 27, 2014

BREAKDOWN


A couple weekends ago, when I was feeling emotionally distraught, I had some thoughts. Pardon my French, but do you ever secretly hope other people have truly shitty lives? Not in a mean way, but to know that they too are feeling and experience those sucky moments in life like you are. That they are having as hard a time figuring out life as you are. That they have struggles and challenges and aren't part of some alien robot race sent to study our ways!

I'm not saying that I have a horrible life, but doesn't everyone have the right of passage to cry on their bathroom floor and say "Why me god?" and think no one could possibly feel as bad as I do in this moment at this time! Sometimes you just have to crawl into that dark hole for a little while and throw yourself the world's most extravagant and exclusive (party of one) pity party that the world has ever seen. And then you come out when the coast is clear and you hold your chin up high and you go on pretending, wanting, or maybe even actually having everything be alright, until that day comes again (tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now) and you find yourself on that chevron striped bath mat again in those old familiar positions. But that's ok. That's life. Grab yourself a Dr. Pepper and some sour patch kids and sit on that floor girlfriend until your mascara covers most of your lower face and you let yourself have a moment to just be and feel and breath and release. 

Some people say that being happy is a choice. I don't know if I fully believe that. The majority of the time it's probably true, but I honestly believe that their are some moments in life that are truly so awful, that our body, our mind, and our soul won't let us be happy even if we begged it. There are some moment in life that I believe are meant to be experienced sad and that when we look back, we will think of them with a kind of solemn reverence and say, "I grew from that moment; it was painful and disheartening and dark, but I grew and learned thing from that moment." I refuse to look back at those moments and think why didn't I chose to put a smile on my face. It's because those sacred moments deserves more. They deserves a physical transformation. 




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1 comment:

  1. well I was just at girls night with you and could have asked you about these awful moments and then we could have cried together and I would learn a little more about the mysterious life of ashley who lives all the way in provo. this is a great post! i fully support letting it all out. my only recommendation is to wear waterproof mascara :)

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