Awkward & Awesome

I read this blog called The Day Book Blog and I'm obsessed with it. The girl who writes it (Sydney) often times writes posts one Thursdays entitled "Awkward & Awesome." I've had a few awkward and awsome things happen to me this last week so I thought I would give it a try: 


AWKWARD: 

• I was craving Crazy Bread Tuesday and as I was standing in line at Little Caesars I thought "What I'm  I doing? Shouldn't I be on a diet for the wedding?" And I walked out and got in my car... and then I thought "I'm Ashley Barnum! I can eat whatever the hell I want! I'm not fat!" And then I sheepishly got out of my car and got back in line. 

• I went into a SevenEleven this week to get something that may or may not have been a Dr. Pepper and I'm pretty sure the clerk was faking a Scottish accent as an attempt to flirt with me.

• My wedding is in 3 weeks and I still haven't sent out invitations. Whoops. 

AWESOME: 

• Spencer picked up his custom made suit for our picture this weekend and it was too tight because he has been hitting the gym a lot lately. So glad Spencer is putting in time and effort to get fit while I put in time and effort to... keep up with the Kardashian's. Someone's got to do it! 

• Ever since I've been on birth control my Dr. Pepper cravings have stopped! I should be happy but sometimes I go buy one even though I don't want one just because it feels wrong to go so long without. Unfortunately the DP cravings have been replaced with brownies and ice cream! And for those of you who know me I'm not a fan of sweets!! But for some reason I've had TWO Oreo shakes this week. Who am I?? Yuck!

• Spencer and I's bridal/groomal pics are tomorrow! Some people are superstitious about the groom seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding... but I could care less. Plus I'd rather take the pictures now then spend time doing it on my wedding day.    

• I just got back from a great "honeymooned" theme shower my friends threw me and I got some super fun gifts I think Spencer and I will enjoy very much! 

Happy Weekend!! 

This picture is 100% blurry but I'm so grateful for such great friends!

Just one of my many shower gifts. I mean who can resist a good whip and tickle?

No acrylics or french tips here. This girl got paint for her bridals. 

Wedding earring. My hair will be down but I'm still obsessed with it. 

the sad, the sexy, and the sneaky

sad

My Grandpa's funeral was on Friday, and it was very lovely. I'm glad it's over though because I think my eyeballs have dried up from all the tears. 

sexy

So for anyone getting married, you know there is all this pressure to get thin quick and lose all this weight. I was watching the show "Say Yes to the Dress" yesterday and this super tiny girl was psycho about her weight and saying she looked fat in everything and that she was only going to drink juice the week before. I just don't understand what all the fuss is about, and maybe I'm just saying that because I have little to no self control when it comes to depriving myself of what I want. What can I say; my body is a diva and she gets what she wants. And lets face it, the majority of all those getting married have already seen their partner naked. And if you haven't, then I'm sure you have at least seen them in their swimsuit so you get the gist of how in shape (or not in shape) they really are. So why do we stress ourselves out even more by depriving ourselves or delicious food? The answer: FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER. Seriously people the only reason I'm going to the gym is for you! So that when I post those honeymoon pictures you will all see how svelte I (hopefully) am and if I'm lucky, you will give me a reassuring "comment." And any girl that says other wise is full of it because he obviously loves you no matter what. Wanna know what the first thing I purchased for the wedding was? Swimsuits! Back in January or February I bought these three suits and I've been itching to wear them! Only a few more weeks!

A similar one to this except my bottoms were a neon rainbow leopard print

This one I got in Yellow

And when I ordered this last one I thought it would encourage me to do 100 squats a day! But sadly it hasn't happened and my butt will be flopping out of those bottoms like toothpaste being squished out a tube. 

sneaky

So last week I made an appointment with a gynecologist to talk about birth control options... JUST birth control options. Some how someone put it in that I was coming for a routine physical and I panicked because I've never even had a physical/pap smear. Here I was thinking I was being so sneaky all these years avoiding it and here I was again thinking they would give me an IUD without making me get one. But after the appointment mix-up the nurse asked me if I wanted a check-up anyway. As I begin to hummm and haaa over it, she asked me "Have you ever had one?" 

I sheepishly said no. 

Followed up by a "How old are you?" 23.
"Yep, you're getting one!" 

So I guess in the end I wasn't so sneaky, BUT it wasn't as bad as I thought and I didn't feel like she needed to buy me dinner afterwards. It only lasted about 4 minutes and I even let a med school student do it! And do you know what I thought as I laid back on that table with my legs up in the air? I just set this student up for a life of disappointment. She just started her career off with one of the best looking under-carriages she's ever seen. Well groomed and well kept; and over a life time of hoo-haas that she is going to have to see, I can't imagine there are too many nice ones. It's only down hill from here sister.   

And here are a few misc. pics from the weekend: 

Saw a bulldog at the pool and naturally I smothered it with love! <3 

 

We used our water-park season passes for the first time this summer.

Spence and I went to the parade of homes (as I do every year) and found ourselves a nice little 1 million dollar home to make an offer on! (dream big) 

My Friend; My Grandfather.

I'm in the middle of updating the blog and I still haven't figured how to get the picture and words where I want them so bare with me. I also just got my engagement pictures back (which I'm obsessed with) and I'll share those next time. But tonight is a heavier topic:   

Yesterday I experience two kinds of crying; one of joy, and one of sadness. Saturday morning I woke up and got to experience a great blessing; getting to see one of my best friends married in the temple. I started crying before the ceremony even started! Later that night she held a beautiful reception and I was privileged enough to be one of her bridesmaids. After cutting the cake I decided to sneak into an empty room and call Spencer to see what he was up to. While on the call my mother was calling me on the other line. I really had nothing left to say to Spence, but instead of ending the call I put him on hold. I answered the call, and to my surprise my mother said to me “They’ve given grandpa about 48 hours to live. We are going to say our goodbyes tonight. Come home.” I was in shock/denial. When she hung up, Spencer was there on the line. Unable to get any words out, I moved myself to a dark, empty bathroom and laid on the floor and cried while I tried to tell Spencer the news. As I got in my car to leave the reception and drive to my grandparent’s house, I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried this hard. Like that super unattractive cry where you are making weird noses and your eyes and nose are soaking wet and you can’t catch your breath. I was confused by my sadness because I felt like I should be cursing God and yelling something like “Why did you do this?” or “It’s not fair!” But it was fair. My Grandpa was nearly 90 and had a happy, long life. God had all the right in the world to take him.

I was very close to my grandfather and he was the only one I had known. He called me Fred. I don’t know why, and I never asked, but I loved it. I knew he had been sick for a while. In fact last summer when my sister got married he wasn’t able to attend so she took the photographer to the hospital to get some pictures with him. I’ve been praying for the last few months that he would live until my wedding. One day while I was talking to my sister on the phone she said she had just visited Grandpa at the hospital and he told her that he was ready to die and didn’t know why God hadn’t taken him yet. I told her I knew why. It’s because I was praying he would live to see me married. Saturday morning my mom had said he wasn’t doing very well and she didn’t think he would make it much longer. When she said that, two thoughts popped into my mind: 1) When he dies I will be an absolute mess, and 2) maybe tonight I should pray that if he is in a lot of pain, that it’s ok if he doesn’t make it to the wedding. Mind you when my mom said she didn’t think he would make it much longer, I was thinking he had weeks or months; NOT hours.

When I reached his house (at this point he was no longer in the hospital because we knew it would be nicer for him to die at home) I was a wreck and didn’t know how I would pull myself together. But I had to because I hate crying in front of people. I walked inside to see my grandma surprisingly keeping it together. Her and my mom began talking about the funeral and I wanted to yell at them to stop! I didn’t want to hear it! I didn’t want to believe he was dying. Then... I heard it. A long, sad moan coming from his room, and I couldn’t stop the tear from coming. I knew he was in pain. As I walked into his room, it was worse than I thought. He wasn’t the grandpa I remembered. He wasn’t the grandpa I had been talking to not long ago. He was trapped in a shell that barely let him open his eyes, and when he spoke, it was only slurred mumbles that no one could understand. I have NEVER watched anyone die before, and I never wish it upon anyone. The moment I walked in the room I wanted to do two conflicting things: 1) I wanted to run out! I couldn’t bear seeing him like this, and his painful moans were breaking my heart.  I also couldn’t stand the fact that he was continuously trying to talk, but none of us could understand him. I wanted to drive as fast as I could away from there and go home and lay in Spencer’s arms and cry until I couldn’t feel anything.  And then 2) I also just wanted to stay and hold his hand by his bedside all night so that he wouldn’t die alone. I couldn’t stand the thought of him suffering without someone next to him.

Even though he wasn’t fully there, and my last memory of him will probably haunt me forever, I was glad I got to say my goodbyes to him. I sat there for a good half hour squeezing his hand and rubbing his leg (that was now skinnier than mine), but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just hung my head so my hair covered my eyes and no one could see the flood of tears streaming down my face. When it was time to go home something very personal and special happened that I will never forget. I leaned over, hugged him, kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear “Grandpa, I love you.” And to my surprise he managed to mumble out a soft, but audible “I rub oo.” Words will never be able to express the joy I felt and I’m getting emotional now even thinking about it again. It was so sad to see him like that, but at the same time I couldn’t have asked for any better last words. I don’t know if he understood anything we said that night, or if he knew who he was talking to, but through Gods good graces, I got to hear him tell me he loved me one last time.

I wanted to sneak out the door so no one would see my tears, but as a walked out, my mom and dad gave me a hug, and then I walked to the kitchen (which felt like a mile) to hug my grandma. I hadn’t yet seen her cry, but when she saw my big crocodile tear, she hugged me and sobbed, “He wanted to be there so badly.” She didn’t’ have to say it; I knew she meant my wedding. “He will grandma,” I whimpered. “I know he will,” she said. 

I cried hysterically the entire drive back to Provo. Now I’m not one to pray out loud when I’m by myself, but on that drive, I yelled upstairs to the big man to let my Grandpa go that night because he was in too much pain and it wasn’t fair. The rest of the night was spent crying in the dark of my room in Spencer’s arms. I didn’t have many tears left at this point but it was nice just to have someone let me cry and not have to say anything. I woke up the next day, and he was still alive; but not for long. He passed away at 7:25pm that next night with all his children by his side. My heart breaks to think about what my grandmother went through last night. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I knew that Spencer was in the next room dying in our own home and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And that maybe the next time I opened my eyes, he wouldn't be there.

I know my grandpa is back home with our Heavenly Father. I know he is in a better place; free of sickness and pain. I know that on my wedding day, he will be there right next to me cheering me on.

I love you Grandpa! I’ll save you a seat!   

   

                                  

there once was a missionary

I'm dead tired, and stressed out of my mind about this wedding. And do I have time to blog, NO. But i'm forcing myself to do it because I'll never have time. I still haven't caught up on my sleep from the Washington trip and I have to get up at 9:00am to get my hair done because that's the only time I could squeeze it in before our engagement pictures on Saturday. And on top of it all I have to move in to our new apartment tomorrow, which I have no time to do either. Today I had an epiphany. I know now why they invented the "honeymoon." It's so brides can de-stress after months of ripping their hair out. Seriously... I'm counting down the days to the honeymoon now because I deserve a vacation.  

Soooooooooo I will make this post brief {if that's possible}. I wanted to share a few thoughts about Spencer and I's adventure to the overcast city of Tacoma. For those of you who don't know, that is where Spencer served his mission {Spanish speaking} and we took a little last minute road trip to go revisit the homeland. First off, no one should ever be allowed to drive 15 hours. EVER! Especially twice. I literally turned in to the hulk {as Spence would say} a few times from either hunger, driving leg cramps, and an overly full bladder. 2nd of all, visiting a mission is not a vacation; it's work! Once we were there we spent the whole time in the car just driving around visiting people and places {his mission covered mainly 3 different cities mind you}. And to make things worse half the people didn't speak any English so I just sat patiently, like a good little fiance, and let Spencer converse. 

BUT there were lots of positives about this trip: 

1. Quality time with The Stink {aka Spencer}

2. Getting to hear Spencer speak Spanish. 

3. And getting to meet all the lives Spencer changed while serving the Lord for two very long years. Seriously I was so exciting to hear him talk about all the great experiences he had. One thing that touched me most was that since Spencer only taught Latinos, he was put in a lot of poor neighborhoods. We visited many people that Spencer baptized or reactivated that lived in trailer parks and didn't have much. When I walked into their home I felt sorry for them, and I also felt uncomfortable myself sometimes with the smells or their appearance. But here Spencer was, not noticing their state of living or their lack of possessions; he just has so much love for these people that he could see through all of that and love them like brothers and sisters. 

One family in particular that Spencer baptized lived in a trailer park and consisted of a husband and wife, and their teenage son who has multiple sclerosis. They didn't speak much English and the husband was a manager at Wal-Mart. They were obviously from humble means, but they had a big heart. Their son {despite his limitations} was graduating that next week from high school in the top of his class. When Spencer was leaving to come home from the mission, the father of this family asked if he could keep his missionary name tag. Spencer gave it to him and he said he would keep it forever. When we went back to that trailer park this last weekend to visit, the father jumped up in the middle of our conversation and grabbed the name tag to show Spence that he still had it. And in Spanish he said something along the lines of "See Elder I still have it. And I'm going to give it to my kids, who will give it to their kids, so that they will know the name of the person who changed our lives forever." Spencer later told me he was holding back tears when he said that. 

This is one of just many example of me realizing what a lucky girl I am. I don't know if I am capable of taking 2 years out of my life, moving to a place where I know no one, waking up and 6:30am every morning, and getting doors slammed in my face repeatedly. I know our future family will be blessed for the sacrifices Spencer has made, and that he is the man he is today because of that. I mean seriously most 19 to 21 year olds are too busy getting drunk and chasing after girls and would NEVER make that kind of commitment and sacrifice. Spencer is worlds ahead of most guys his age in maturity. So with that said Stink... I love you and I am so proud of you {even though I'm mad at you for not coming over tonight and helping my pack}.    

               WASHINGTON

Yes is was cold

Sometimes I wish I was a boy for this very reason

These street sign were everywhere! {just in case you forget}

I never did see Mt. Rainier because of the clouds

Seriously though how stinkin' cute is he...

And one of my best friends since 1st grade got married this last weekend to her high school sweetheart! 

I love you Amanda! 

 Her favorite bridesmaid {or so I like to think}