Wednesday, June 25, 2014


The other day Spencer and I were driving in the car and I said something along the lines of "When we have kids..." and then Spencer said, "I can't ever imagine me ever saying 'Lets have a baby.'" This is something we've talked about many times. Neither of us are the kind of people who are baby hungry, or even like a "I'm not hungry but I could eat," type of baby hungry. We've always been like, how will it happen? Will this be the worlds longest game of chicken where we make the other person say it first? I've always just assumed that when my IUD decides it's time to take a long vacation from my uterus in 3 years, I'll just say something awkward like "Well I guess I won't get a new form of birth control?" (imagine my voice getting way hi-pitched at the end). That's how it will happen. No getting excited, no nighttime giggles, no dinner to celebrate, no buying baby clothes before it actually happens. It's not something that either of us are excited for. Not because we don't want kids. We do. Maybe it's the mormon in me, or the fact that I don't want to be 60 years old during Christmas time and not have any excited kids or grandkids around the tree. Plus me and Spencer are too hot NOT to procreate. But with one dog, I do see the appeal to not have kids and just adopt 10 dogs and live on a farm somewhere. And when the day comes that Spencer and I begin to play sexual roulette, I'm not going to be one of those girls that takes a pregnancy test every week or puts on the calendar every time I'm ovulating. And when I find out, I'm not going to be jumping up and down, or wrap the test in a little box and give it to Spencer when we go out to a fancy dinner, or rush and call 50 of my closest friends. I'm just not. I believe there is a distinct difference between being a woman excited about pregnancy, and being a woman who is excited to raise a child; and some people fall into both categories. I'm not someone who cares about being pregnant. Although I am looking forward to raising children of my own one day. I wouldn't even call it excited. It's just something I know I have to do or else I'll feel like a part of me is missing.

There are just those girls out there who are born to be a mother. That's what they live for and they can't wait for the day. I've never fit into that category. It's never a desire I've had. I remember growing up, and a friend of mine expressed that one of her biggest fears was not being able to have kids. I remember her even getting a little teary eyed about it, but in a "laughing because this is so silly to cry about" kind of way. I remember thinking if one of us can't have kids, I hope it's me. Because I honestly don't care and I could tell how much it meant to her. Not that I wouldn't still have kids. But I don't have this driving need for them to be my own flesh and blood. Now I know what some of you mothers are thinking... and let me stop you there........ I HATE hate haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate when girls say any of the following to me:

a) Well that's because you've never been pregnant. Once you find out you are it's so amazing and it changes you and how you feel.

  • Don't put me in a box with you. Not everyone feels the same way. You don't know me like I know me. I literally have no innate sense to have a baby or be a mother. Zero! And I know I'm not the only one that feels that way, so don't tell me that I will feel exactly like you did when you found out that you were pregnant or when you decided to start trying to have a baby. Some people are just not programmed that way. That doesn't mean we aren't going to have kids or be horrible mothers. But it means we probably won't act like we give a crap until we actually see them and hold them. For me, I know that's when it will become real.

b) You'll know when it's time to have kids.

  • For some people there is no right time to have a kid. Spencer and I would probably just not have any if that was the case. Neither of us are going to wake up one day and say "Today's the day! I want to create something inside me that is going to be extremely expensive and unpredictable and we'll be solely responsible for it's life and well being." See... that's how I see a baby. I'm not saying it won't be full of love and happiness, but I'm a realist and that's just how I've always looked at the world. That's not something that you celebrate over dinner to me. But it's great if you do. That's the beauty of it. We are all different.           
c) Or anything along the lines of "What are you waiting for?" "Don't wait too long!" "You don't want to start a family until after 28? Don't worry, you'll change your mind." "You want to be an old mom?" 

  • This is another example of people thinking their way of doing things was the best way and it's for everyone. Here is Spencer and I's view on this: Once you hop on the baby train, you don't hop off... ever! There are still so many things in my life that I want to do and experience that are either impossible, or hindered by children. Now some people think that's selfish. Especially in the mormon community, but I just can't help but bask in the joys of being able to go to the movies whenever I want and not have to find someone to watch my child! Small simple pleasures that will one day be taken from me, that I'm in no hurry to meet. 

Continuing a little on point C, Some people I feel even rush into it so fast they don't get to truly enjoy and get to know their spouse as a husband and nothing else. Trust me, Boyfriend Spencer is very different from Husband Spencer; and I'm sure Husband Spencer will be very different then the Husband-Father Combo Spencer. Another thing that drives me to hit the pause button is the fact that I love the idea of being an older parent (and by this I mean older by mormon standards). I was raised by old parents, as was Spencer. And we both loved it. I feel like you're wise, more relaxed, and more financially stable. I know I've heard it a million times that you don't need to have money to have a baby but here is an example I've seen first hand. A girl I knew growing up had a dad that was going to med school and specializing so it took a while. She was the youngest and by the time he had worked for a few years and established his practice, they finally moved in to a giant house with everything a kid could want.... but all their kids had moved out by then. When Spencer is established in his career, I want to be able to enjoy the spoils with my kids. I want to go on trips that they'll never forget, and have a house that they want to bring their friends to. I know that's not important to everyone, but that's something that Spencer and I got a taste of, that our older siblings didn't and I wouldn't change that for me. 

I know that I'm not the only one in the world who has no desire inside to have children, but at the same time will because they feel like motherhood is a part of something that needs to be in their life regardless. I would compare it to my nighttime face-wash routine, in as much that I know at the end of the day it's something that I have to do, even though I'd rather just crash in bed, but after I do it I feel so refreshed and happy I did. Plus I wont wake up with a face full of zits. ;)

And here is what I may look like years down the road: 

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