ZERO THE BULLDOG

If you follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, you probably know that we got a dog. I've been wanting a bulldog since I can remember and my dream has finally come true. Meet Zero! First off, her eyes aren't blue, that was just what the flash did for some reason. Second... yes she does have an eye infection called Cherry Eye, and she is getting it taken care of next week, as well as getting her lady parts removed. Rough day for her. But seriously guys... she is the sweetest, cutest, loyalist thing you have ever seen. We couldn't have picked a better dog. Lucky for us her previous owners couldn't keep her anymore, as they were gone a lot and their 8 year old pug didn't like having an overactive puppy try to play with her. Also lucky for us, they had pretty much potty trained her and taught her sit and stay and also had her kennel trained. Bonus! I've always wanted a male dog so when we found her for my birthday we were a little stumped on names. We both hated all the typical girl dog names and decided we wanted something a little more ambiguous and gender neutral. Spencer is the picky one and after two days of throwing names at him, we ultimately decided on Zero (inspired from one of my favorite movies, "The Nightmare Before Christmas").

On a gross side note... the first night we got Zero, her stomach was growling and turning all night and continued to do so all weekend. Turns out she had also thrown up that night behind the couch and did so again the next day. She was also having constant diarrhea (outside mostly). We bought grain-free gluten-free food but were beginning to wonder if that wasn't even good enough for her. But low and behold I woke up this morning and in her kennel was some odd and fowl object. After careful examination with a pair of rubber gloves, I discovered that it was a pair of little boys Thomas the Train Engine underwear (cloaked in feces). GUYS! She had literally ate her previous owner's son's underwear whole, and it some how had been trying to exit her bowls these last few days but it was having a hard time. I seriously died laughing. I hope she has learned her lesson, but in the mean time I'm keeping all my socks off the floor. She obviously has a sophisticated pallet because she also ate her own poo the other day and ran off with it in her mouth (as I chased her) because she knew it was a big no-no.

Well we can't wait to continue to get to know this little lady's wild personality and in the mean time here are some things that Zero likes to do (sorry in advance for the grainy iPhone pictures):

^^She likes to sleep...

^^...a lot

^^ She likes to watch you take a bath or shower.

^^She likes to "bury" her bone. This is her burying it in our shoe basket. She re-buries it at least 5 times a day.

^^She likes to watch the Westminster dog show and cheer on the other bulldogs.

^^She loves to give kisses. And if Spencer and I are kissing, she wants in on the action.

^^And most of all she really really likes Spencer. The top right picture was take while Spencer was driving. She LITERALLY wanted to sit like that the whole ride. 

I'M FEELIN' 22... AGAIN

Thanks so much to all of you who wished me a happy birthday, and it's never too late for those of you who haven't. Yesterday I was greeted with lots of great food and Dr. Pepper from my co-workers, treated to lunch by my friends, and sent flowers by Spencer. For those of you who don't remember, I decided to go a month without Dr. Pepper just to prove I could do it. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, but just as miserable as I thought it would be. But drinking it again was one of the best birthday presents I could have ever given myself! Spencer had an MCAT prep class last night so we didn't get to do much celebrating, but he did rent a puppy for me to play with for two hours and she was the cutest thing you have ever seen. Especially when she slept for half the time because she was so warn out but it was Ok because she slept on me and looked so adorable so I can't complain. And yes, there is a place in Provo where you can literally rent a puppy. Crazy! When Spencer got home it was time for puppy to leave, so we capped off the night with one of my favorite movies (Easy A) and debated about Taco Bell, but in the end decided that would be too much effort.

And my cute little nice Sophie was born just a day before me and celebrated her first birthday in style! Man I wish I could do that to a cake! Also, I have a big announcement to make on Friday evening so you will have to check my social media to find out about at as I wont be posting on the blog that late, but if not I'll talk about it on Monday! Stay tuned. 

NO BUTTS ABOUT IT

For the most part I've been very on point with my gym game for the new year. I've been going 3 times a week and hoping to start sneaking in another if I can. It's always good to have goals when you go to the gym and normally they tend to revolve around getting back to where we were before. I wont lie... I may have some pants from a few years ago that are a little tight, that I would love to get back into, but this year I wanted to push myself even harder! Doesn't everyone have that one body part that has never quite been on par with the rest? That one that you just want to get nice and fit but some how the burgers and fries only go to that one area so you think it may take a life time!? Well for me that's my glorious, wonderful, and very full derriere. I first knew I had a big backside when I was in Jr. High and a friend of mine laughed at me for not being able to fit in her size zero skirt, and then laughed again when we were later at my house and she held up my "huge" pants. Well in my defence I was an early bloomer and receive the butt, and hips, and boobs sooner in life than others (and now finally everyone has caught up with me) and granted at the time I really could have dropped some pounds brought on by eating stress and low and behold I did. I came back the next year 15 pounds lighter, but there is something that no matter how much I fluctuate always stays... my butt! Sure it's changed sizes a little, but it's never ever ever been high and tight. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but I'm determined to whip that saggy thing into shape this year. Even if it takes me all year! 

A few years ago I worked as a lifeguard at a water park and we had to wear the most unflattering one pieces. One pieces (with straps) are the big booty girls worst enemy, because once you raise your hands above your head the whole swimsuit comes with it, and your are suddenly wearing a very unflattering thong. I felt a little like this: 

After deciding that there was nothing worse then tan lines, I stopped wearing my lifeguard shorts and my tank top as well (no padding be damned) and became a free spirit. Although it didn't go unnoticed, as my boss then told me he never knew I had a ghetto booty, followed up by "That's not a bad thing." That sounds like the making of a law suit. A while ago I got the "Brazilian Butt Lift" videos which I discovered while we were on our honeymoon (late night infomercials) and could barely walk after doing it one day. I plan on continuing that as well as going to my Insanity class 2-3 times a week. So here it is, 2014, the year of the new booty. I can't wait to have a butt that far surpasses any butt I had when I was "in shape." 

Speaking of butts, let me take you know on a little funny side story. I was just reminiscing with all this butt talk about when I called my friend Amanda in the 1st grade after a fight and left a message on her answering machine that said "Sorry I was such a butthead." Which at the time I even knew I was using strong language, but if I had any doubts, I definitely knew when she called me back and said "My mom told me to tell you not to swear on our answering machine anymore." Hahaha! I'm glad as an adult I'm no longer riddled with guilt from saying the B-word! So on that note... BUTT BUTT BUTT BUTTS! Happy Tuesday! 

THE SELFIE

All though this may lead to my impending divorce, I had to post this picture that I found saved in my old email of Spencer back when he was 19. It was the first "selfie" that he ever sent me and in his defence, I asked him to send it because I had a few friends who wanted to know what he looked like. And on top of that I made him wear his glasses because he was about to get Lasik and I'm a sucker for a guy who looks good in glasses. But seriously is little Spencer not the cutest!?

Now I'm not a lover or a hater of selfies. I think they have a special time and place, like sweat pants, for which they are acceptable. When I see extremely self-absorbed selfies or any selfie in which you are making a duck/kissy face... you can go ahead and count on me giving you the worlds biggest eye roll. BUT sometimes you look freaking hot and you are proud of it and you need the world to know. This is why I have made a list of the 5 types of selfies that are acceptable to a regular levelheaded human being, and spent 45 minutes trying to make something that looked Pinterest worthy:

The other day I saw a selfie (sorry if this is someone you know) with the caption "So giddy after hearing baby boys heartbeat" followed by a gorgeous close up picture of her with a slight closed mouth smile. Now I'll be the first to admit, she is stunning, but the caption felt a little "hey I don't want people to think I'm self obsessed so I'm going to act like I'm smiling about the heartbeat and that's the only reason why I'm taking this picture." I'd actually rather you just not put a caption at all because at least I don't get the impression you are cloaking yourself in humility and instead saying "damn right I look good and I want to show it off and I don't care who know's it. Nuff said." If you going to do a full on "I'm looking hot so I'm going to take a picture" selfie, then just commit to it! Don't beat around the bush or add some stupid quote about inner beauty by Eleanor Roosevelt! Post a picture of your colonoscopy or you doing charity work, and then we'll talk about "inner" beauty.
I've only posted 3 selfies in the past 4 months, which seems like a nice pace:

^To show you all how youtube can help you learn how to (kind of) do your makeup

^Reveal my new Brazilian blow out

^The aftermath of 7 hours of DIYing. 

And as a bonus picture, here is what the first selfie might have looked like: 

Keep following those selfie rules my friends and stay golden. 

BREAKDOWN

A couple weekends ago, when I was feeling emotionally distraught, I had some thoughts. Pardon my French, but do you ever secretly hope other people have truly shitty lives? Not in a mean way, but to know that they too are feeling and experience those sucky moments in life like you are. That they are having as hard a time figuring out life as you are. That they have struggles and challenges and aren't part of some alien robot race sent to study our ways!

I'm not saying that I have a horrible life, but doesn't everyone have the right of passage to cry on their bathroom floor and say "Why me god?" and think no one could possibly feel as bad as I do in this moment at this time! Sometimes you just have to crawl into that dark hole for a little while and throw yourself the world's most extravagant and exclusive (party of one) pity party that the world has ever seen. And then you come out when the coast is clear and you hold your chin up high and you go on pretending, wanting, or maybe even actually having everything be alright, until that day comes again (tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now) and you find yourself on that chevron striped bath mat again in those old familiar positions. But that's ok. That's life. Grab yourself a Dr. Pepper and some sour patch kids and sit on that floor girlfriend until your mascara covers most of your lower face and you let yourself have a moment to just be and feel and breath and release. 

Some people say that being happy is a choice. I don't know if I fully believe that. The majority of the time it's probably true, but I honestly believe that their are some moments in life that are truly so awful, that our body, our mind, and our soul won't let us be happy even if we begged it. There are some moment in life that I believe are meant to be experienced sad and that when we look back, we will think of them with a kind of solemn reverence and say, "I grew from that moment; it was painful and disheartening and dark, but I grew and learned thing from that moment." I refuse to look back at those moments and think why didn't I chose to put a smile on my face. It's because those sacred moments deserves more. They deserves a physical transformation. 

ALL OF GODS CREATURES CAN BE FOUND AT THE COMMUNITY REC CENTER GYM

Yesterday I went to my beloved Insanity class. I have this theory that if I only have about 3 hours a week to work out, then I have to make it worth it and it has to kick my butt. This is why I don't waste my time with Zumba (sorry Lauren). This month, I've been really on par with my goals and I've gone to Insanity at least twice a week. If you read my Facebook status, you know that on Tuesday I mentioned that large chested women need to find the right support before heading in to cardio classes. Once again, Big Boobs Mcgee was front and center at class last night and I'm surprised she didn't leave with a black eye the way those things were practically hitting her in the face with every burpee. Also in front of me was uncoordinated Eunice, who some how (even though cardio classes are just a big game of Simon Says with the instructor) she managed to be doing a completely different workout than the rest of us.

As I told you all the other day, I've been having an American Horror Story marathon this week and just finished the 2nd (and very messed up) season. I have been surprised that all this week I haven't had any nightmares... until last night. No it wasn't about Bloody Face... There was a shortage of Dr. Pepper in my dream world, and all that was left was a half can of week-old, flat, warm soda left. As I was about to drink it, a lady came up to me and said that she needed it because she was in a fight with her husband and needed something to get her through the rest of the day. Of course I didn't want to give it up but some how I didn't have a choice. It was terrifying! I guess this is all a good time to tell you guys that I decided to go soda-less for a month. I haven't said anything because I've never been one for sticking to strict regimens, or restricting myself from the pleasures of life, and I knew that I may fall off the bandwagon (as I have with my many cleanses). BUT I'm already more than half way there and only have a week and a half left. My next Dr. Pepper will be Feb 5th (aka my birthday hint hint), and what a glorious birthday it will be! I may need to start making a paper chain. 

And since last Friday was "Funny Friday," this week is going to be "Feel Good Friday." If this commercial doesn't get your eyes wet, then go check your pulse! 

THE ONE WHERE WE GO TO THE ICE CASTLE

Hopefully a few of you enjoyed the "Friends" reference in my title. So if you live in Utah, you have probably been bombarded with pictures of the Midway Ice Castle. Well I'm here to tell you that it is just as awesome in real life. And for those of us living in real life... you would bring a coat... because you would assume that it's freezing in winter + you're up a canyon + you are inside an ice box. Spencer does not live in the real world. But luckily while I waited in the 35 minutes line, he went to a nearby friend's house to borrow a coat (and some hot chocolate). Also, bring boots... or have freezing wet feet like Spencer. I finally had a reason to bust out the new camera again. For Christmas I got a Canon Rebel T3i and I love it. Unfortunately when you ask people to take a picture, they don't know how to use it and end up not even taking a picture because they don't hold down he button long enough. Now I know to tell people to wait at least 3 seconds! Spencer and I went on Monday which was probably the wrong move because it was a holiday, AND Mondays are cheaper. Luckily I also had my trusty military ID card for an extra $2 off (which may have expired about 3 years ago but I still keep it around for a 10% discount at Home Depot and cheap movie tickets. Yes I'm going to hell.) 
Also, speaking of being cold, why are their people jogging outside? I don't even want to walk to my car, let alone let my lungs endure some arctic physical activity. This is why God invented the treadmill. 

Lastly, pray for Justin Bieber. Although have you ever seen a prettier mugshot? I don't think so.